The Virgin Diaries

Sometimes, watching TLC is like watching a train wreck. TLC apparently stands for “The Learning Channel”, which I suppose is where you learn how odd people can be.

Today, I had the pleasure of stumbling onto The Virgin Diaries, which is one of the saddest/funniest things I think I’ve ever watched. They showcased several different virgins on their show- some virgins who want to wait for marriage and some virgins who are virgins because they haven’t found someone to lose their virginity to, yet.

The saddest/funniest couple was the one who hadn’t kissed before marriage. When the officiate announced that the man could kiss his bride, I thought they were eating each other’s faces off. Their mouth movements were reminiscent of piranhas feeding on a cow carcass. To make things worse, they didn’t really know they were doing anything wrong. So they proceeded to feed on each other’s faces kiss each other passionately the rest of the evening, even though the guy didn’t seem that into it. They then rode off into the sunset to engage in the most awkward sex ever the best night of their lives. They admitted towards the end of the show that sex is not as easy as it looks and then proceeded to tongue kiss each other which nearly burned my retinas. I hope they Googled sex beforehand to make sure they inserted the right parts into the right parts. Ay yi yi.

Carey’s plight made me really sad. The guy is a 35-year-old virgin who just wants to lose his virginity to anyone. He likes cats and making fudge, so obviously the ladies should be all over that. Carey was just so open and honest with his date, telling her that he was a virgin and hadn’t had a date in 8 months and before that, hadn’t had a date for about 8 years (which is not something I would recommend telling someone you’re interested in). I was really rooting for him to find someone to have sex with. I wanted to yell through the screen- DON’T TELL THEM ALL YOUR BUSINESS! Just act normal, have sex, and let them think that you just sucked at it for whatever reason. It was like he became a freak show to all the ladies. Lord. The funniest thing is that he had the opportunity to have sex but he said she came on too strong and that he had the right to be picky. Oh, Carey.

The three women were hilarious. I like how one of them, on a first date asked the guy what his timeline was for marriage. I bet his brain started sending off ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ESCAPE! messages as soon as she came out with that. The alarm bells probably should have started going off when all her friends/roommates watched him approach the house from the window and then greeted him at the door, raving about what a great person she is. Yiiiiiiiiiikes. And the singing. Double yiiiiiikes. But they were pretty likeable people. They managed to find three male virgins, which surprised me. I didn’t know there were three male virgins in all the world (besides Carey and piranha kiss dude).

So what did “The Learning Channel” teach me tonight? Ummmm….not to ever participate in one of their embarrassing reality shows? See? I guess you can learn something from TV!